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Megan Lewis

"You are not my best friend" and other dreaded comments kids say- How can we support kids as they navigate friendships.

Firstly, kids are ALWAYS kind, inclusive friends if they can be.

It feels good to be a good friend and connect with others. 


If kids are saying comments like "You are not my best friend", or any of the many variations of things that hurt other's feelings it is typically for a reason.

For example:

  • a certain social skills hasn't developed yet

  • they are feeling worried or unsure

  • they are feeling a need for control to understand the situation

  • they are feeling overwhelmed and need some space or support to regulate themselves. 


If we can support the reason, the kind friend we know they can be will shine through.


So, what can we do?


At the time of the comment:

  1. Be a detective and figure out the reason. Support there first. If you can't figure it out that's ok, even just thinking "there is a why behind this" gets you as the adult in the right space to support.

  2. Debrief- maybe at the time or maybe revisit it later You know what suits the kid best. Some conversation starter ideas:

    • "I heard you say Jonny wasn't your best friend, I'm wondering why?"

    • "Oh man I saw Jonny's face when you said you weren't his friend. He was feeling sad."

    • "It's ok to not be friends with Jonny, but we don't need to tell him that"

    • "Who is your best friend? Awesome! Tell them you are their best friend BUT guess what?! Let's not tell everyone else they are not your best friend. That's wayyyyyy too many people to tell- everyone else in the world! And it doesn't feel nice to hear that." 


Other times:

  1. Supporting kids to understand other people's perspectives is the best thing we can do to support friendships. People who can see things from other's perspectives make great friends! One way to do this is to explicitly talk about what others might be thinking or feeling and point out how that might be different to them. Ok the differences. "Look Jo is loving jumping off the box. I saw that you loved going down the slide. You both got down and had fun but you did it in different ways- how cool!" "Sam chose the blue pen to write his name you chose the pink, I wonder if you have different favourite colours."

  2. "When I was 4......" tell a story about yourself as a kid talking about what you want to support the child with, but take the pressure off them and make it about you! Kids love this!

  3. Say the kind things to friends, Think the rest! It's ok to think whatever we want, it is ok not to like everyone at preschool. OK all feelings and give a safe adult to talk about all things too. "It's ok not to like Jonny, tell me about it." "Some things hurt other peoples feelings, I'm going to help you figure out what those are. You can tell me those things but not to Jonny." If comments are happening a lot you could even come up with a code word or action together to use to support in the moment. 


Megan 

Speech Language Therapist from Talk Together

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